I'm writing a novel.

[hOoLiGaN]

The night seemed dull as the thunder from the passing storm lessened the drone of the rain as it hit the shingles of nearly identical houses. It was here in which the site of an almost invisible path lay, created by the house's rooftops and stretching a seemingly endless distance into the wafting fog. It was in one particular home where he currently sat, more precisely on top of that home, positioned so he could look to his left or right and see the road in which the shingles created. There was nothing significant about the man's presence on the rooftop of this specific home, nor the man's observation of the hidden avenue. The rain, however, was more important than the man himself. In fact, calling it rain would be somewhat of an understatement to the power in which this precipitation fell to the earth.




I know this was a mistake to post this here......... bring on the flaming.

[eclyps]

honestly, I know you're going for the stylized descriptive schmeal, but you're overdoing it a bit in the first half. The rest is pretty good, and it leaves me wanting to know more about this meaningless man.

Just my opinion. I'm getting a BA in English & Communication, but I focus on technical writing, not creative.

[Prosthetics]

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/SaMoSFr/Funny/funny-pictures-cat-scary-story-buck.jpg

[hOoLiGaN]

honestly, I know you're going for the stylized descriptive schmeal, but you're overdoing it a bit in the first half. The rest is pretty good, and it leaves me wanting to know more about this meaningless man.

Just my opinion. I'm getting a BA in English & Communication, but I focus on technical writing, not creative.

Thank you for the feedback. I am going to continue to write, and perhaps if I ever complete this (which I honestly hope to do) I will certainly take into consideration what you said.

This was definitely intended as a creative work.... nothing technical here.

[eclyps]

well do you have any more than that? Or is this something you pretty much JUST started?

[hOoLiGaN]

I literally began writing this last night...... since then I've written a bit more:

(second paragraph)

It had not rained here in nearly 21 years, the same age as the man who's
still figure blended into the darkness that seemed ever more exaggerated by the clouds overheard. He knew if the government had knowledge of this late night gazing then it would be the last chance he would get to breathe fresh air. Despite this fear, there was a certain sense of serenity he accepted his near certain fate with. However, unknown to him, there were actually two events preventing the fate which he imagined to be quite harsh. The first was the occurrence of the storm, and as a result, the scrambling government forces that would not bother arresting a single man for breaking a very strict policy. The second, and perhaps more important, was the the paralyzing effect that the rain had on the small aluminum identification bracelet that was found on every man, woman, and child's left wrist.

[eclyps]

*overhead (not overheard)

So what I am gathering is that this particular place is under strict government rule. The government has prevented rain because they don't want identification bands to become rusted.

There are a few issues with this.

1) Rain is essential for life. If it had not rained for 21 years, you must explain how life still exists, even if it's just a brief explanation.

2) Aluminum doesn't rust. It corrodes, but I don't think a bit of rain will do much to an aluminum wrist band.

3) I'm assuming this is set in the future. I would think they'd have some better way of identification.

4) There should be a much better reason for preventing rain for 21 years than just preventing the rusting of a wrist band.

You're off to a pretty good start though.

[Timmah!]

Now I'm getting confused...
The first was the occurrence of the storm, and as a result, the scrambling government forces that would not bother arresting a single man for breaking a very strict policy
I think "bother arresting" should be replaced with not be able to arrest; and add despite after single man. Otherwise it seems contradicting itself.

For the last sentence, I'm confused as well... how does one paralyze aluminum? Aluminum by itself is inanimate, so ahhh...it's already paralyzed! Maybe you mean "corroding"? But that wouldn't make sense either since aluminum doesn't rust.

Technicality for 3rd sentence:
Despite this fear, there was a certain sense of serenity he accepted his near certain fate with
You can't end a sentence with a preposition ("with"). Should be: "Despite this fear, there was a certain sense of serenity with which he accepted his near certain fate."

[Timmah!]

Curse you, E, you beat me to it! But you missed the preposition, bitch. :sign0081:

:D

[Brandname]

You can't end a sentence with a preposition ("with"). Should be: "Despite this fear, there was a certain sense of serenity with which he accepted his near certain fate."

That is one rule up with which I will not put!

[hOoLiGaN]

AHhahaha.... the prevention of the rain is not to stop the "rusting" of these aluminum wrist bands. I haven't touched on the reason for the prevention of the rain.... nor the reason behind why it suddenly began raining again NOR the reason why life still exists without the rain.

There is actually some sort computer chip inside the bracelet that has unluckily shorted out.... again I haven't touched on that (nor really thought about how I am going to word that). Very introductory at this point.


I meant the rain is paralyzing the function of the bracelet...... the GPS/identification/blue tooth (whatever I decide to describe it as).

Thanks for the grammatical/spelling corrections. I'm by no means good with the english language hehe :) Again, when it is all said and done.... I hope to have this edited. I do not want the content altered at all, but things like the grammar and english you guys caught are excellent points. I'll keep posting as I write if you guys would like that. If there's no interest, thats fine..... maybe I'll post after I have a few chapters written or something.

[pancakes? c'est charmant!]

the writing is contrived, the adjectives are overwrought, the prepositions are misused, the word choice is painful and the whole thing is both shallow and pedantic.

[hOoLiGaN]

Now I'm getting confused...

I think "bother arresting" should be replaced with not be able to arrest; and add despite after single man. Otherwise it seems contradicting itself.


They could arrest him if they felt the need...... but because they are scrambling they really aren't paying attention the one man. thats kinda what i'm saying....

[hot6]

pancakes, god i love you

[Timmah!]

That is one rule up with which I will not put!
you suck. :sign0090:

:)

[Tippo]

the writing is contrived, the adjectives are overwrought, the prepositions are misused, the word choice is painful and the whole thing is both shallow and pedantic.

QFT



sorry hooli, you definitely need to work on it... it's a start, though

[ShangoXG]

its a start, a good start for the story, its intruiging, draws you in, but a bad start for the amount of mistakes, keep it up though!

[pancakes? c'est charmant!]

i'm not trying to be a total jerk, just being honest.

but i suppose i'd better give some positive recommendations with my negative feedback. so...

1) cut all the adjectives and adverbs from those paragraphs, then read it. pick two modifiers you feel are indispensable to what you are trying to convey and add them back.

2) i know its popular to have all these modified clauses and what not in writing these days, but watch the outright contradictions. case in point: your first sentence.

The night seemed dull as the thunder from the passing storm lessened the drone of the rain as it hit the shingles of nearly identical houses.

so, you start by saying the night is dull, yet you seem to contradict yourself as you describe the thunder lessening the drone. maybe if you said the thunder melded with the rain into one monotonous drone or something like that. also, the word dull is way to nondescript.

3) when you say "in one particular home" why are you using the word particular? if its immaterial what home it is, then don't include the word particular. if it is material, you need to say what sets that house apart and makes it particular. the whole part about "more precisely..." should be cut and you should just say he's on the roof from the start.

4) fog cannot waft itself. waft is an action verb implying an actor.

that's a start. here you have pancakes' endorsed rewrite:

The monotony of pattering rain is not lessened by the thunder blending seamlessly with the quiet fury of the storm. Here, between myriad identical houses, a long-dormant path winds between countless sentinel buildings. Upon one of these houses sits a man, surveying the unmarked path. Yet the significance of his vigil pales when compared to that which transpires around him: the rain. And "rain" is a paltry term for the torrent that fell upon that quiet neighborhood and that quiet, yet watching, man.

please note that i don't like writing fiction.

[sloppy]

You know whats sad...is that i understand absolutley none of this talk of english. Lets go talk math and science plz

[Iron Lung]

You ever do nanowrimo?
In November hordes of crazy people like myself get together and attempt to finish a 50,000 word novel before the month ends.

[Brizad]

I'll wait for Ho0l's Book on tape. I read sooo much code during the day, I have no desire to read any more when not working. {{get James Earl Jones}}